Wednesday, June 08, 2005

You may want to take a break from My Cube

because I feel like I swallowed a big bowl of bad barbituates.

I'm just going to be moping around and moaning out loud and whining in the corner and pouting unproud for a while. To the point where people I don't know start shouting, "Beeyatch, get a Fricking Grip, man!" Can't help it: I'm a big lazy baby who sets himself up for Heartache time and time again. Too many romantic comedies as a child, too many books devoured, too many happy endings...my life is compared against lies and fiction and my own imagination; Nothing comes easy, Life does not.

But I never learned that lesson. I am a Bitter and Cynical Child. So much Unlearned, Unexperienced, and Unseen. And I don't see that I ever will (at this point).

I am Haunted by those Mushroom Visions of 1993/1994: "You are a Hub for Others, Nothing stops on you." And "Dead by 35."

Dead by 35.
Dead by 35.
Dead by 35.

So much Unlearned, Unexperienced, and Unseen.

These meds aren't working, this shrink talks too much, I cycle and recycle events and situations...it's all Revolution, never Evolution. My treadmill goes on and on and on.

But:

All this is overblown, melodramatic exaggeration of my mind and soul; when you have Nothing, you make a Moutain out of a Mole Hill.
Every.
Time.

You shed tears over people you never Knew. You dream ahead of reality. You pretend things are getting better when they're not. You pretend you've found Hope. You pretend you don't know how this is All Going To End. You believe in your own Lie. And you hate yourself for it when it falls apart again and again.

Nothing matters, nothing matters, No Things Matter.
Why can't I actually believe that?

I hate being passive-aggressive, but I am (and am trying to change).

My heart feels like this and my life feels like it's in a constant state of this.
(Thanks for the perfect imagery, Beautiful Decay)

1 comment:

Fresh Talent said...

Hey bud, hang in there. I know life seems shitty but of all the bad that's been coming down lately, there are good things to show for it.

Your writing, its inspiring, insightful, and just damn good. It pushes me to write better.

Plus Cybele likes your blog better than mine.

Got a book recommendation. "When Nietzsche Wept" by Irvin Yalom. It won't change your life, but it does do a nice job of fictionally recreating the beginings of psychoanalysis. A good read for down times.

Keep your head up, we're all with you.