Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Last night I let myself roll around my Vicious Circle

Last night, I didn't feel like dealing with anyone, anything. I felt like disappearing for a minute. I felt tired of dwelling; I just wanted to exist, escape, forget, and pretend. Fuck Doctors order's, quacks every one of them! (no, I don't really mean that) Becks and Jameson and 3 cubes on the porch. Sometimes you just go with what you know. Cooler outside than the apartment, but just as lonely.

I worked the day, Tuesday. This night: Disappear Here.

I sat listening to the crickets out again. Zoning out. Weird apartment across the street keeps flashing their front room's lights on and off. Looks like Morse Code. Annoying me.

I checked a couple of sites, read a couple of emails, one of which struck me as very strange, but replied to none. I had a conversation with a C.P. in the parking lot today. Two messed up situations traded. I couldn't speak at one point, tears coming up and choking throat tight...a telling of a recent moment, in hindsight during the telling, reminded me of that split second feeling of shut-down back at Kent State in The Hub when she said "I think we should see other people."

I keep messing up situations.

Earlier at work, The Croatian Gyration Sensation told me about a friend of hers who recently had an abortion. This friend called C.G.S. sort of out of the blue and asked her to go to the follow-up appointment with her (today). She didn't want to go alone. For some reason, this story hit me hard. I've never been in that situation (as the boyfriend, natch), but for some reason it struck me and a sadness flooded my body and heart. I wanted to hug this faceless stranger. Stroke her face, and tell her everything's going to be all right.

Someone's making Mexican food that smells great. And I realize I've only choked down 6 paper-mache-tasting Chicken McNuggets today: heat + sadness= no appetite.

I need to realize that it's not all my fault. Whatever it all is.

My parents call. It's starting to sprinkle. I'm on my second Becks. The conversation wanders and rolls along. We trade stories and I make her laugh at my sadness. Gallows humor? She cheers me up for a moment. A stray black cat walks past the foot of my steps. Firecrackers snap in the park. A Mexican girl stares at me as she walks by. A plane floats by, winking.

Later: fist-fulls of Jameson and watching Mrs. Parker and The Vicious Circle again. How many times? Jennifer Jason Leigh looks so lovely in this role, I fall in love everytime. Where is my Dotty?

"The sun's gone dim, the moon's turned black; for I loved him and he didn't love back."

What do you mean she's hurting? She says all those funny things.

And, of course, my personal favorite:


Razors pain you,
rivers are damp,
acids stain you,
drugs cause cramp.

Guns aren't lawful,
nooses give,
gas smells awful;
you might as well live.

Eh, why not? Why not, indeed.

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