Thursday, December 30, 2004
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Good Lord, this dial-up access I have while my Earthlink DSL account shifts to my new phone number is driving me crazy. I forgot how slow and sluggish this way moves; I nearly dread checking my email...nothing like slogging through 101 slow uploading spam emails (and one from a cousin) to make guy's night. Freaking hours to upload a simple page like the Chicagoist.
According to my Earthlink Order Status Page, it should only be another two or 3 days, then: DSL freedom! Oh Glorious DSL...*breaks into a rousing chorus of Cinderella's "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)"*
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
I love way Dong thinks and writes. He can take the Rubics Cube of life and make some colors match up (or some sort of better metaphor should be inserted here...ow...not there. HERE!).
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Friday, December 24, 2004
And then my parents got kidnapped and replaced by these two humans that wanted to watch the Steelers vs. Giants game. WTF? My parents NEVER watched sports EVER. But, because Big Ben is from our hometown, they caught NFL fever. It was fun: mom cooked meal and hanging out in my new living room watching a football game. A fine afternoon. Then an hour or so walk around my new neighborhood (chilly day), and then more hanging out. A nice visit. Much better when not in the grip of anxiety attacks like years past.
And this week I got to buy myself a gift: a new car battery. I figured after having called these guys twice this week, it may be time. $108 bye-bye.
Uh-oh, almost midnight. I'd better get to bed so I don't scare off Santa. Good night.
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Friday, December 17, 2004
Saturday morning/afternoon, the Z-Boys Moving Company helped me move the last of my crap to the Rogers Park apartment. Them boys work hard for the low price of a meal at Captain Nemo's...yummy. After they left, I just had a bunch of little odds and ends that took two trips in the Little Red Zipper (um, my car); the last of which consisted of me, fed up with all the moving, just shoving and cramming everything into the trunk (except Lil' Lilly who rode up front in the carrier, only crying out once, the brave grrrl). Last box in: 6:00 p.m.; roughly an 8 hour day. Wheew.
Then Sunday 12th, I worked 9:30-8= long ass fuggin' day. But the Assistant Store Manager gave me a Blockbuster free movie card for my efforts. Which I passed off to C.P. and L.Y. because I never rent from Blockbuster. If I ever rented, I'd go here.
So almost a week and the new place still looks as if someone inhaled my Andersonville apartment, then sneezed it out here. Boxes and bags everywhere; I've already moved my sofa/TV setting twice and still dislike it; my front door is blocked by plywood and mirrors; my plants share the same space as my drying dishes, my bed has moved twice; CDs, tapes and books piled in three different spots; and the cat food appears to be the main focus of the hallway.
But it's all mine, until The Man come to evict me for non-payment of rent, or I get beat to death.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Now: around 10:30 p.m. or so this humming/rattling sound starts up. It sounds like the cooling fan to a refrigerator is loosing and rubbing up against the other side of my kitchen wall. It hum/rattles for about twenty minutes, stops, then starts up again after five minutes. This goes on all night, but stops during the day. What the Hell?
Make it stop, Please. I need sleep.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
Here is how I received the news, emailed by a friend to a friend to a friend (reprinted without permission):
Subject: impending doom
well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the people got a right to know, and so.... the upstairs of the Union is closing. yeah, I know. No, it's true. unless some kinda miracle happens quick. Landlady Couladis had been charging 900 bucks a month, but apparently spurred on by her greedy evil children is upping it a bit, to the unfriendly tune of $2700 a month. different options have been bandied about, I'm told, but this seems to be the unacceptable solution that has stuck. it appears that this will be concluded by February. Although I got nothing right now, I will selfishly cling to the hope that it ain't over 'till it becomes apartments. all I know is if this is allowed to stand I'm leaving the country. any advice on how to make a Greek an offer that cant be refused?
tonight the deadly snakes will be playing the first wake. you are all invited, nay! summoned to the New Year's Eve Wake as well. Soldier on.
Tis a sad thing.
Still moving. Lots of floor showing in the Andersonville apartment, but still a ways to go before Full Evacuation. That's why I am diddling around on the Internet. I need to switch my DSL account over to the new place; I am dreading the possible two weeks without connection. TWO WEEKS! I'll be crawling on the floor like a junkie screaming for a link.
At least my friends from Zelienoplemusic.com are going to help me out with the large stuff.
Okay, am off.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Only took two loads over to the new place on Sunday. Two kids watched me unload for a little, one asked the other, "Who's that?" "Some white boy moving in." (They were black, maybe 8 or 9). Car parked in front of mine had some gang graffiti carved into the driver door. Later, through my kitchen window, I saw to kids pull another kid off his bike, said some words, then all 3 walked off together. As I drove around the corner to go home, three detectives were arresting some one.
Welcome to the neighborhood. Did I make the biggest mistake???
Okay, off to pack more.
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Probably due to Halloween, Bar saturation, and Meigs County Gold.
CNN.com - Albany tops party school list, again - Aug 16, 2004
dong resin's joint >> Predictable yet necessary >> November 25, 2004
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
This has probably been out forever, but for those of us without MTV/VH1/Much Music etc. seeing this today made me happy. Video for "Little House of Savage." (via Real.com)
Now I want to play Capture the Flag in a foggy forest tonight with all my old chums.
Anyway, after many drunken sweaty summer nights as I only had one class, and they had none(?), we made a discovery into the Underbelly of the University. There's not much to do in Athens during the summer, but hit the bars (Tony's, O'Hooleys, The Union; or, maybe Casa Nueva, The Pub, The C.I. or The Cat's Eye). As it turned out, some of their British cohorts lived in Bryan Hall. In the basement "rec. room," through a easily-pick-the-lock-door in the kitchen (which I don't think anyone ever used as the ping-pong table was covered in dust as well as the fridge) one could access the utility tunnel network under the entire University.
I think our longest "tunneling run" let us out somewhere on South Green by either the tennis courts or maybe on Morton Hill. (I apologize: booze and years don't help with accurate reporting)
Here's the article that inspired this post/memory:
The Village Voice: Features: Subterranean Homesick Blues by Amy Braunschweiger
(maybe sometime I'll post about "Roofing" in Athens.)
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I hope he comes across well tonight, even though he went to a loser University. hee hee.
I'm a shallow, naughty, wanna-be punk rocker... "Touch me, I'm sick." (really, with no fashion sense at all)
ConverseGallery.com: cool short films inspired by cool shoes.
Nothing is signed on paper, but it looks as though I am leaving my safe haven of Andersonville and moving into the Wilds of Roger's Park. I am touch worried about this, but I was given an offer I couldn't refuse: a one-bedroom for $200 or so less than the going rate in the rest of the Complex. Apparently, my new landlord wants me the hell out of this apartment so he can begin tearing it down. This discount is cool (still more than I can afford...but), but the speed at which this is all happening has taken my breath away a little. I think he wants me out, ideally, by December First.
That's not going to happen. But I'll try.
Parking is going to totally suck up there. The neighborhood is totally sketchy compared to here. But I'll have more than one room, more windows, possible nice neighbors, closer to my friends, and a tiny bit shorter commute to work. This could turn out well. Next stop: New Job!
Due to the holidays and my work schedule, I have to skip two weeks of meetings with my Primary. Hopefully, I'll meet with them both on December 9th. Hopefully, my new address won't disqualify me for this location; I don't want to start over at another office. Nicely, though, I think the meds are starting to work. I've only had maybe two anxiety attacks in the past couple of weeks, and don't think about off-ing myself all the time. Whoo-hoo!
Off to bed, packing begins!
Monday, November 22, 2004
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Monday, November 08, 2004
My Cube Has Three Sides is no longer anonymous. Due to my naiviety of the ways and means of links and such, people I know now know this place. I am not sure how I completely feel about this. My first reaction (common pattern my whole life) was one of "flight." Delete the blog, smash The Cube, hide. But then I realized a part of me probably wanted to get "caught." So, here I am: caught. Now what?
The people who are in on the discovery have been great: nice, reassuring, concerned, loving. It's good to feel you've got Back-up. I regret that I've taken things/people for granted and am going to try and fix that. Maybe this is a beginning. I need to fight my fear of committed relationships. And I don't mean in the dating sense, more like allowing myself to trust my friends to be friends. My Primary and I, through a couple of discussions, came to a possible conclusion that some of my misery is from projecting my bad/judgmental/self-criticizing/etc thoughts onto people before they are even given a chance to come up with thoughts on their own. I don't think that's described too well, but you get the jist of the matter.
So, in conclusion, My Cube will continue to show at least Three Sides in the future, but differently. Differently how? Not sure. Wait and see.
(after the shock of being discovered and my friends showing up in my Sitemeter listings, the next person to hit here came about from a Google search words of Salma Heyak Naked Breasts. Awesome. And I mean both that they showed up here and the thought of Salma Heyak's Naked Breasts=Awesome!)
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I am amazed they don't smell my apathy.
Actually, my mood is bottoming out. I can barely type this. Tired. Chest tight. I want to, but am unable to, cry.
The past two days at work, I've had a consistent bad feeling, like my 6th sense knows something bad is coming. Lurking on the horizon. I've made a couple of little mistakes at work, I think. A cash return a little past the 90 day mark. Endorsing the wrong side of a gift certificate. Little things that really probably wouldn't matter in any other job, company, or store; but, when you think your boss is trying to get you to leave, weigh on you heavier than the fucking world.
"I've got a bad feeling about this, kid," Han Solo would say, and the Falcon would get sucked into a Death Star or the floor would drop or the door would open and two dozen Storm Troopers would bust in lasers blazing. But their Movie Heroes, they always get out alive, on top. I'm a weak mortal man. I could end up in a shelter, the gutter, an asylum. There is no one to shout "Cut, print," then saunter off to a trailer full of champagne and steak and friends.
This feels like the Beginning of The End. The Neverending End?
I doubled my meds yesterday, but feel twice as bad today. (sounds like a Suicidal Tendencies album name, no?)
Saturday, November 06, 2004
Man, I am so sick of myself. And I can't picture it getting better anytime soon. An eternity of self-hatred and loathing, self-disappointment, missed opportunities, financial near-ruin.
I'm one of these. Only not smart, precocious and in New York (but lonely!). I read the article just today before work and a lot of it seemed pretty accurate to me/for me. But it may just be my mind reaching out for a scapegoat or sorts.
Okay. Off to bed before I talk myself into tears. My meds double, starting tomorrow.
You see, at work there is this whole friendly competitive thing about which weekend day is cooler, busier, etc.
"Sunday people are cool."
"No way, man, Saturday people are cooler." (um, anyway, had to be there.)
So, today was my first Saturday, and I expected all crazy, busy, pulling hair out long lines lotsa sales type of day that "those Saturday people" keep talking about: "yeah, it's crazy, we work hard and fast." Um, no it resembled a slightly busy Sunday. Possibly a slow day today? Or my Saturday crew sources are a bunch of wimps?
At least the day went by sort of quickly. And apparently the quantity of attractive females shopping is higher on Saturdays; that was a plus. Oooh, another plus: I get to go back tomorrow!!! Oh yeah, baby. Good times.
(yes, I am bored with my job, and, no, I'm not impressed with this post either.)
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I'm clicking around, checking out who's playing town this weekend, and Helmet is playing the Empty Bottle this Saturday! Sweet.
I haven't thought about these guys for years. I used to borrow their first two CDs from my housemate Andy R. all the time back at school. We'd throw them in and pound big-gulp sized cups of coffee and bounce around the room, or I'd suck down Rolling Rocks and then head out for the night to Tony's or O'Hooley's. I think we were living on off-campus on First Street at the time--me, Andy R. and Andy D.
It'd be great to hear Unsung live.
Might have to try to make this night.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Time to up the Anti-depressants! DAMN! This is NOT what I wanted to see first thing in the morning; or ever, really.
A sad and rainy day, alcohol consumption will rise, emigration skyrockets, more global hatred directed to U.S., more lay-offs, higher poverty levels, higher illiteracy rates, four more years of Republican finger-up-the-ass self-serving double-speak, Texas forced out of Republic.
Pray for a coup. Let the Revolution Begin!
(okay, I have to go cry for a little bit now, then see my shrink)
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
This morning I actually got up nearly two hours early (*groan*). I wanted to make sure I had enough time allowed for finding Polling Place, parking, Provisional weirdness, punch out the vote and still make it to work by 10:00 a.m. Drank some coffee, showered, clothed for work, and realized an anxiety attack was slowly creeping up on me. Damn! I didn't have time for this shit now!
So I popped a Clonazepam, a whole one, and jumped for the car.
"we were just outside of Barstow, when...": I got to the Polling place (4950 North Ashland Ave.), some (possible) retirement center/home/community center, don't know, not sure, I was on the run now, parked right on the corner, slipped across the wet sidewalk, through the door, past the fountain/pond/(goldfish?), down a hall, another hall, into a room, go through motions of looking up my name in the books, shit! am I precinct 30 or 32?!?!?!? 30, cool. Name not in book, ask for Provisional Vote, fill out paper work, note people in charge here don't really seem completely on top of things here, hand in forms, keep pink copy, grab ballot/chad filled paper, jump in line.
Waitwaitwaitchewfingernailscheckoutcutewomaninballcapwaitwait: my turn!
Go to cubicle, line up holes with red knobs, and punch Kerry, Obama, and.... then the Clonazepam kicks in and: Everything. Slows. Down.
Breeeeaaath. Vote. Hand in card. "so I need to call someone within 48 hours? Cool."
Head off to work: Clonazepam+Rainy Grey Day+These Cocteau Twins Albums = a lovely drive to work.
Tomorrow, I need to figure out who to call so my first-time-since-1988-vote freaking counts and more time with my shrink (yippiee)
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Saturday the 30th. Happy Halloween. Boo. I semi-planned to go to a party at the bands guitarist's house, but ended up blowing it off to stay home (who am I kidding, I boycott Halloween every year; I do not like Halloween). Watched Monster's, Inc on TV, surfed the net, and basically zoned/moped. I think the Paxil wears off or runs out late in the day, so come around 9:00 p.m. I get emotionally down again. Then again, for all I know, I haven't been on it long enough for it to even work and all this is psycho-somatic (spelling?), tricks of my own mind. In any event Monster's Inc, was cute and funny. I'm glad I watched it.
Meeting tomorrow with my Primary at C4 at 2:00 p.m. Then I'm planning to drop off my new month-to-month lease/Rent at O'Flahirety Builders office. Maybe find out their time table on the destruction of my apartment. See how soon I really need to move. Half of me wants to move now, the other half would love to forego the need to move until spring. We shall see.
Co-worker today, asked if I wanted to move into his place. Turns out he is getting a divorce. Nice guy, but:
- I don't want to live in Evanston.
- I don't really want a roommate.
- I am not a great roommate.
- His apartment is weirdly shaped and the bedroom is small.
- If I move out of Chicago, I don't think I'd qualify for the C4 program.
On the other hand, it would only be $450 a month and close drive to work. Still.....
At least tomorrow one Monday Night Football, I'll get to watch The New York Jets play. I rarely ever get to watch them play. Yay!
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Growing up in a smallish town, there weren't too many of the black-clad youths running around. A few, but mostly cool skater boys, and only a couple of grrrls (but this was pre-grrrl era). Ah, but there were two cuties: Jennifer P. and Jenni F. Mostly, though, I had to live out my Punk Rock Girlfriend fantasies through Sid and Nancy and The Slaves of New York-type novels.
Um, oh, I guess I still live them out that way, you know, being slightly agoraphobic and all.
(So I like some chick shows, off me! Shut up!)
The Village Voice: Machine Age: TV: The Sunshine Girls by Joy Press
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
I went to C4 this morning and met with the Psychiatrist, who seems pretty cool. The meeting was only supposed to be 30 minutes long (damn fund cutting!), but I think ours went for like an hour or so. I think the fellow-nutter scheduled behind me did show or something. I'm glad because 30 minutes is WAY too short of a time for an initial meeting with a Dr. in order to figure out how far gone one is and what type/amount of medication to start off on. But, hey, when I'm suckling off the teat of a free-ish clinic, I ain't complaining.
"Luckily" my condition is actually a touch, smidgen, dollop of a few different things (depression, agoraphobia, social phobia, general anxiety disorder, panic attacks) rather than one big pile of mental crappola; she thought maybe the treatment of the Depression and Anxiety would clear up a lot of the other problems.
That is, if I understand all this correctly.
One thing that sucks is the scheduling nightmare this is turning into. My work schedule is random, and the C4 Crew is only on a couple of days each. So, I have to a) hope work schedule coordinates naturally or b) hope to catch the new Assistant Store Manager in a good and giving mood to work some scheduling compromise because I'd rather rather they continue to think I am weird, not mental and seeking help. (okay, not sure where I am going with this paragraph, so we'll move on)
The other thing that has potential Suckage: the side effects. This medication, the stuff that is supposed to help with my anxiety, stomach sickness, panic attacks etc. can cause anxiety, stomach sickness, sweats, dizzyness, yawning and about thirty other unpleasantries. Like rubbing sand on your arm to get off the dirt (okay, not the best analogy, I told you my writing skills either have rigor mortise or have decomposed entirely).
I foresee much Pepto Bismol in my future. Isn't Pink the current Black anyway; my stomach shall be in fashion, I'll just need to swallow a Neighborhoodie and an 80's heavy metal T-shirt= total hipness.
I've been home about three hours now, and I haven't taken anything. For some unknown reason, I am hesitant/nervous about starting down this "road to recovery." Maybe for one thing, the Dr. so was so adamant about telling me NO BEER with meds. This bothers me only for the fact that I got a 30 pack for cheap on clearance at Jewel last night, and I hate to waste.
Gotta call momma, then get ready for work. Later.
Tomorrow morning I meet a shrink to discuss what (if any) medications my benefit me. I kind of look forward to this. Maybe a little pill will eventually snap me out of this unending sadness and hopelessness. I think the "upswing" I've been on is starting to falter. I keep (again) having these bleak thoughts, I seriously can't see an end to this confusion, depression, and current bad situation. Everything spins and circles around each other and I can't seem to focus enough to fix one.
I wonder should I tell the Dr. I think my primary counselor is attractive? Is this really going to be a problem?
Then off to work for the night shift. Got to remember to tape Gilmore Girls!
Ugg, off to bed.
On the way to work today, I realized the mantra's meaning can be construed as insulting to associates. It implies that the customer is always right, and the associate is always wrong. Thanks, oh ruling management, thanks. You really stroke my bruised and bloody self-esteem.
To add further "dignity" to my life I spent fifteen minutes today at work using masking tape to gather red lint off a black comforter today. And it was my idea to do it.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Someone linked to a few of my posts (at least, their Bot did). But whatevers cool. Here's the link to my listing. The site seems pretty cool, I'll give a good perusing later. I realize I only got picked up because those posts included links to Amazon book pages, but still kind of a thrill to get picked up.
Oh meoooow, Lilly is working up into an amazing fit of the Night Frenzies. It is time for bed.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Just a link to an fun article by Woody Allen talking about his early influence by George Kaufman, a member of The Algonquin Round Table.
Friday, October 22, 2004
Nay, fair and just reader. This post is a note for myself.
My first appearance in Google, as far as I know. Oh no. Does this mean I just shot-the-wad and used up my entire "15 minutes of fame"?
In any event, it's nice to know others are searching for information about Mr. Bret Easton Ellis' upcoming possible autobigraphical/fiction novel. If the rumors turn true, it should prove a fun read (as usual).
If life situation doesn't come about, I'm already planning on skipping a couple of meals to buy it the week it's released.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Man, I hate not having money. And floundering, flopping in worthless, meaningless jobs. I need to pull it together, man. I'm 33: This drama should've been figured out and resolved--what?-- seven or eight years ago? In some respects, I am better of now compared to then; but the majority of my current life situation seems comparable to someone way younger than me. I seem to have missed or not yet hit some important milestones. I focus too heavily on the failing aspects of my life, true, but not too much is moving along in the positive.
Hell, I can't even focus and bear down to write a coherent and interesting Blog post. Just more shotgun splatter thoughts.
In summary: I am broke, unsatisfied with my job, mentally unstable, filled with regret, probably suffering from some form of arrested development, hate on condos because I'll never afford one, am lonely yet alienate myself from friends, am horny, and am disgusted with how far my writing skills have decomposed.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
I didn't make my 7:00 a.m. wake up call. The snooze button seduced me twenty times or so, begged me to spank it over and over again until around 10:00. Woke up with a headache, but struggled out of bed, pet Lilly a bit, and reheated the coffee that brewing then stewing since 7:25 a.m. (mmm. tasty Chock Full o' Nuts--New York Classic, SOHO Morning Blend*).
But I did check out The Reader for apartments and made a list. Then realized it was Monday, and they upload on Tuesdays. Doh!
Trash still towering in can. Leaning, leaning, leaning.
Blew through my daily blogs ("give us, this day, our daily blog. Forgive their not posting as they forgive us for our not posting...").
And made it to C4 way the hell early. I spent the next twenty minutes or so reading the latest Details magazine and listening to one guy snore LOUDLY and another guy just breath HEAVY. What is up with that? A large proportion of the men there breath loud and heavily, real phlegmy stuff, wheezy. Side effects? 3 pack-a-day smokers? My lungs are quiet as a church mouse in comparison.
My turn finally came. And I met my Primary counselor, J.F. And the worst thing happened: she's kind of HOT. Well tanned or olive skinned, brunette hair she plays with, my height, full lips. Great!*enthusiasm* and Great! *sarcasm* I get ultra-shy and nervous in the outside world much less when attempting to unload fears or speak about personal things. Being surprised by the prettiness of this Grad Student on top of the Fear-of-the-Unknown of starting counseling plus not knowing what I am supposed to say or do resulted in a rather disjointed, erratic, shotgunlike splatter talk from me. I couldn't stay focused on what I was saying. I'm supposed to lead this meeting and ended up at one point asking her to "please ask a question" because I kept ending up babbling and repeating myself, or exaggerating (then apologizing for exaggerating), or completely losing my train of thought and fading out.
I definitely need time to get a handle on this. Or switch Primaries and ask her out ha ha ha.
So I leave there and head up to Evanston, and I apply for that part time job. The same guy worked the Reader's Services Desk who was there last time I applied for a job (um, never got called, Screwheads!). He didn't recognize me.
Then on to McDonald's. Yay, I ate a meal before a nightshift, woo-hoo! Let's hear it for a non-anorexic day!
And work: the more fun group of ladies worked tonight. Barely any customers= no cash. Boo.
Then home where I turned on, but ignored the Tampa Bay/St. Louis Monday Night Football game. And: no beer, just tea.
[*Ed. note--that's right, put New York on about anything, and I'll be inclined to like it or try it or want to like it. (I knew I should have taken a right at Cleveland, not that left. Damn)]
Monday, October 18, 2004
Anyway, even if it's one of my magazines (The New Yorker, New York, Details, or Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine), it takes me along time to read a book. But here is the latest one:Shopping in Space: Essays on America's Blank Generation Fiction by Elizabeth Young and Graham Caveney. I'm about three chapters in, and that's taken me about a month, no lie.
So far, it's a fun and informative in-depth look at Bret Easton Ellis' Less Than Zero. Check it out if you like 80's "brat pack" writers. I'd go into it more, but I'm sleepy and wouldn't do the book the justice it deserves.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
- I'm shooting for a 7:30 a.m. wake up (to try get into and maintain the habit).
- Enjoy a cup of coffee.
- Take out the trash (before it starts spilling over this time).
- Scan my favorite Blogs (I live life through them!).
- Look for and make some sort of lists of currently available apartments that look "promising" for my price range.
- Actually eat a real lunch.
- Go C4 for my first meeting with a psych intern for evaluation. I'm a little nervous about this one. I have to come in with goals and "lead the meeting." Not only am I not 100% about what this means, but I don't really like "leading" much of any type of meetings. One of the reasons I'm a part time associate now. I guess just sitting down and saying, "make me normal and stop being sad all the time" doesn't qualify as leading the meeting. Maybe leading off discussion, but not really a clear-cut itinerary. Cripes, I'm a little worried about showing up unprepared and getting "fired" from this program. Will it never end?!?!?
- Okay, then. After the meeting, I would like to apply for a part time gig at the Evanston Public Library. What's that you ask? Didn't I do that yesterday? Nah, of course not because I'm an idiot. Somehow I rationalized not leaving the apartment (again) and did laundry instead. Idiot! (but with clean, new sheets on the bed...mmmm *snuggle*).
- Then, drive to work area, where I'll grab a bite at McDonald's (so cheap! so yummy! So healt--what a minute) before sludging into work at 5:00 p.m.
- Home to catch the last bit of Monday Night Football and a Guinness (But I'll probably fall asleep on my too-short loveseat halfway through the pint).
Let's see what we, in fact, accomplish tomorrow, shall we?
Oh, yeah, the Boss handed me an envelope on Friday on her way out. Full of dread, I opened it. Dated October 14, it merely informed me that some mucky-muck in Corporate received my Request for Transfer Form and Resume, that it was passed to the direct hiring mucky-muck of the Mailroom, and they would be in contact with me (me=schmucky-schmuck). I gave the Boss my application on September 26. Did it really take this long for them to get it? Did the beeyatch delay sending it in? Furthermore, Boss"lady" never mentioned or showed me what her "recommendation" said. She write one? She said she planned on writing one, but when 7/8 of everything she says is a lie...*sigh* this doesn't look good.
Errrrrr, okay, fingers crossed. It's all good, right? (<-----my attempt at optimism).
(Ed note--we find it funny that Blogger's Spell Check device doesn't recognize the word, or variations of the word, "Blog").
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Ever since the Sun Rises Cafe moved into Taste Of Heaven's former location, my apartment often reeks of Asian food. I think when they first moved in, they only doled out sushi or cold food, but then, about a month ago, they started cooking stuff. Our spaces are connected by the basement/laundry room and the smell must filter through there. Or seep through the very walls or floor. Don't get me wrong, I like Asian food, just not morning, noon, and evening in my own place of Sanctuary.
I haven't eaten there yet as I am broke and my neighbor told me they were "a bit pricey."
Wish me luck (please), I am going to apply (again) for a part-time position here! I'd love to work in a library. My application/resume has been floating around (rotting) in the files of Skokie Public Library, Lincolnwood Public Library, Evanston Public Library and the Chicago Public Library for years. Checking their sites is a near daily habit. Damnit, people! Hire me already and put me out of my misery. I like people, media, and keeping shit in order! I'm a calm, calming, fun person to work with--AAAAAARRRGH.
Okay, all cool now. Ranting/minor freak-out temporarily suspended. Here's my inspiration for wanting to be a Librarian (tee hee). Seriously, if you can hook me up, please let me know (envision me on knees, hands held together, pleading).
Time to Re-tweak the old Resume.
- Alone time.
- Sex Pistols.
- Wearing sweaters.
- Sleeping late in a cool room under warm sheets.
- Staring into the fire.
- A pint of Guinness.
- The third kiss.
- Compact cars.
- My Chuck Taylors.
- Lilly (when she's not screaming at me).
- My parents (still married, yay! A rarity today)
- Gilmore Girls.
- Friends (and Friends).
- Pearl Jam.
- Sinead O'Connor.
- Ani DiFranco.
- The Dead Kennedys.
- The White Stripes.
- The Walkmen.
- The Rapture.
- Monster Magnet.
- A clean windshield.
- French Vanilla yogurt and ice cream.
- Mountain Dew and Coke.
- Little Debbie's Oatmeal Cream Pies.
- Big screen TVs.
- Orange and Tomato juice (separately).
- Bret Easton Ellis novels.
- Donna Tartt novels.
- New York City.
- Days off.
- Pay Days.
- Coffee all ready in the morning (God bless the timer).
- No traffic.
- Making someone else and yourself laugh at the same time.
- Laughing so hard nothing comes out.
- Saying "awesome" in the most ironic way.
- When my plants don't die.
- Lilly's Ray Charles impersonation with a string in her mouth.
- Flirting and being flirted with.
- Wearing wool socks on a cold night, on the couch, reading.
- Paying the bills early.
- Microwave popcorn.
- Playstation2 football games.
- Observation deck of the Empire State Building.
- The Spring Lounge.
- The New Yorker.
- Andy Warhol's Interview Magazine.
- Latina Porn.
- Cheap frozen pizza.
- Looooooong warm showers (solo or with a partner!).
- A good sexy cologne.
- The natural good looks of a woman.
- The ol' WWW.
- People watching.
- Ohio University/Athens, Ohio.
- Making a sale over $500.
- Bright, sunny days around 77 degrees with just a hint of a breeze.
- Tina Fey
- Seeing a great band live and losing myself in the moment.
- reconnecting with my former self (if only but for a minute).
- A tasty ham or roast beef sandwich.
- Browsing for hours in a book or record store.
Friday, October 15, 2004
This book, Hip: The History sounds like a fun read. Probably be one of the next books I pick up when I eventually get to the point affording stuff like rent, food, gasoline, etc. Ah, Poverty, how you keep me down and illiterate. Any Hot Sugar Mommas wanna take care of me before my mind turns to zombie poo? No?
Okay, actually getting ready for work now. The night shift on a Friday night. Slow, slow, slow and full of needy, whiny Chicago North Shore eccentrics.
Good times. Good times.
I am so sick of reality TV. I used to watch Fear Factor, but then it suddenly jumped the shark. Or maybe I just got bored with it. I mean, how many times can watching pretty people jump for pennants and gag/dry heave while eating goat balls or squid puke or fresh skunk asshole soup.
I watched The Apprentice season one. It was entertaining, and cool that Bill was a Chicagoan. But season two so did not catch my attention. Trumpy is so arrogant, and enough with the "this is the best, these are the biggest, the world finest" speeches; they are worn-out and only make me think you are a sad and lonely individual. Rich as a muthafucka, but sad; it just get old listening to him after a (short) while.
Big Brother I watched because the people were at least likeable for the most part. I guess I just don't like the Suits and Yuppies that seem to populate the first two mentioned shows. The games on Big Brother are funny (Let's make a giant margarita!) and you get to know the people as people a bit better. I like the winner Drew, he seemed cool (actually, he reminded me ALOT of my cousin C.A. who also went to Miami University of Ohio--Booooo! Go Bobcats!). And the fact the ladies wear bikini tops and shorty-shorts often totally helps out (Diana--Hottness!).
Yeah. Give me C.S.I.: New York or Lost anyday. I like the darkness and cold colors used in the New York series. Kicks Las Vegas and Miami anyday (David Caruso: please, either leave your sunglasses on or off! Sheesh, irritating!).
Aiiight, enough ranting about something so inconsequential in life. I gotta get ready for work *sigh.*
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Either way, it's usually one of the only highlights of my day at work.
Here's how to catch those jackasses decapitating people in Iraq
(and keep your ass off Death Row, yo!)
- 9:00. Wake up, look to alarm, realize I have twenty minutes to get ready for work. Panic=down.
- Lilly is really loud and REALLY wants attention this morning. "Got no time, baby."=down.
- As I sit to make the turn onto Lincoln Ave. from Foster, I see a CTA bus driver waiting at the stop across the street. Dancing. Dancing well. Like to Scat/jazz or something on his Ipod. And snapping his fingers. Smile=up.
- Remember dream last night which starred my last two girl friends. The overwhelming feeling recalled is regret and yearning. Dreams that leave crummy feeling residue=bad. Dreams with ex-girlfriends that keep all their clothes on= double down.
- Hit stretch of Lincoln Ave. that is lined with trees. Notice leaves are changing. Pretty colors=up.
- Remember that fall is my favorite season (and spring). Love the crisp smell, cool temps (sweaters!). Fall=up.
- Changing of seasons always brings nostalgic feelings and memories of school. Missing school (still? wtf?!?)= down.
- Get to work two minutes early= up.
- Both the Store Manager and Assistant Store Manager are at corporate meetings= Double Ups!
- J.S.'s hair is down with snug pants= up.
- Find out J.S. has a boyfriend= down.
- But they broke up last week= hmmm. up and down.
- I have to work in the slowest department= even.
- First customer of the day's breath smells like rotting salami= down.
Okay, the ride is over, please exit the car on your right. Make sure all your belongings are on you.
[Ed note-if this had been an actual amusement park ride, your money would have been refunded. Sorry.]
Monday, October 11, 2004
Everything moved along peachey. I wrote album reviews (No Doubt, Ziggy Marley and the Wailers, Blues Traveler), local club previews (first ever comedy night at the Nickelodeon) and band interviews (Stuart Hall?, bassist for Shudder to Think). Until. One late night, while editing copy Andy and Red-head screamingly disagreed over something. End result being Derrick fired Andy, or maybe he just treated him like a dick until he quit. I don't remember exactly.
So, Andy started his own independent tabloid size newspaper: InsideOut Magazine (now defunct as far as I can tell). And asked me to join him as a writer, then editor, then I got demoted for my lack of management skills (holy premonition, Batman!!!). Covered regional bands, music scene, art happenings, human interest features, my personal narratives, etc. I think we distrubuted to more than a few colleges/coffeehouses around the state. Pretty good start-up magazine, looking back: "edgy" writing, graphics similar to Raygun Magazine, and excellent keg parties.
I Googled him and found this old interview. I liked him and he impressed me with his knowledge, ambition, confidence and deadly wit. Big jovial laugh. Happy to see he's doing something cool, I knew he would. Enjoy:
Critic Doctor (Herb Kane) interviews Anderson Jones, a columnist and critic from E! Online
It's like AtomFilms and MTV2 all mixed up and stuff. Good streaming quality, too. None of that rebuffer, skippy sound, blocky visual like other streaming media.
That's right, punks, I don't have cable. I am a slave to the Networks. The only music videos I view are what get played at un-godly hours on the shared Channel 28. Korean, Polish, Chinese, Spanish, Bollywood, and MTV2. Channel 28 is an ethnic stew. It's cool, some of those Korean game shows crack me up!
In roughly nine hours, I am meeting a Doc for my first C4 meetings with possible drug prescribing going on. The ol'' nerves haven't kicked in as of yet. Typically, my nervous body sets in right about the time I need to leave the apartment. So I predict panic attack around 9:00 a.m. today.
The strange thing is: except for Thursday, I have been in a relatively "good" mood. Almost normal. Making jokes with co-workers, goofing around, chatting up customers in a overall cheerful way, etc. Of course, I didn't respond to any of my friends email or phone calls, look for an apartment, look for a job, or otherwise leave the apartment either, so maybe we'll call this a wash.
In any event, let's hope the doc shows up, so don't have a repeat of the last appointment.
Bloody Hell, this blog even bores me!
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Friday, October 08, 2004
My writing has gone flat and empty. A rubbery balloon with only a whisper of air left in it *poof*. But, really, I am working on it. Getting those old muscles warmed up, stretched and back in shape. That is one of the main reasons My Cube Has Three Sides came into existence: to return to the writing I used to love. The act of writing, the results, the effects (chicks, man, chicks dig writers*) of writing. That little ego boost when someone not only reads your piece, but actually comes around and tells you they liked your piece (um, I mean article).
I realize it's going to be a long, long road ahead to even get back to where I started; therefore, this feels like a slap in the face! It's similar to the phrase "a monkey could do this job" (I've always hated that line--fuck you, then hire one!). Not only telling me a robot/monkey could write a Blog better than me, but going on ahead and proving it. Ouch :-)
It's pretty funny, though, reads like a snarky teenager. It should prove interesting to pop in every few weeks or so to see how well it's Learning. (link found on Cewebrity)
Okay, off to bed. Working the day shift tomorrow, then drinks after to celebrate a co-worker's (E.M.) promotion to Design Helper/Trainee/Indentured Servant and transfer to another store. I not a big fan of this co-worker (she's a bit bossy and moody, a deadly combination), but could use a couple of drinky-poos after all this shit that's been going down the past few months. We meeting at Champ's (whoo-hoo, suburban mall resturant/bar where the waiters are like used-car salesman: "are you sure you don't want to upgrade to the cheesy fries for a mere $1.50 extra?!?!?). Oh, I'm sorry Champps (two "p"s. WTF?. Lame-os).
[*Ed note--I think only one, maybe two chicks dug D.M. "back in the day" of his writing period.]
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Unluckily: I felt fine going into work and the first half hour or so, and then suddenly !bam! Panic attack/anxiety attack. Hot sweaty palms, sweaty legs, tight-tight chest, short breathes only, need to lay down in fetal position, urge to release bowels, foggy thinking with A.D.D., and the yearning to rush out the front door and never return.
I think this went on for about two hours, maybe more. There weren't too many customers today at all, so I didn't have to deal with that madness: keeping it together is hard enough without the added test of smiling and "going out of your way" to help some Rich-helpless-needy North Shore-ian. It took me forever to go through the Receiver (list of shit that came on the truck today), especially, since my demotion, this isn't my freaking job anymore! But, because I like the manager (S.R.) of the department I covered today, I did this job willingly (and I needed the distraction from previously mentioned Panic Attack) and even put out missing merchandise (Popcorn!) and stocked some selves (Canisters!) and barrels that were low (Frothers!). Finally, it ended enough (just a slight roiling of the guts) that I could make conversation and/or chat up the customers.
I even tried a small attempt to flirt with J.S., who looked pretty today. She wore her hair almost all the way out, instead of tied back like usual. If therapy works (if it ever freaking starts), I may ask J.S. out for a drink or something. If/when this happens, and if she says yes, this will be the first date in a VERY long time. I have been too fucked up to get fucked. (And that's fucked up in the un-fun mental way, not the fun way.) And I'm not even saying I think it'd come to that (sex), just that I've been too out of my head to even think about starting any type of relationship. And I don't even know to just what extent I like J.S. I mean she's cool at work in the sense that we share some of the same attitudes, she's seems real not a"phony." She's Italian, got the Roman nose, longish blondish hair (that I like when she wears it out, especially when she straightens it), an easy laugh, deepish voice, a kickin' bod, and reminds me (looks-wise) of my friend L.C. who moved to Seattle three years ago and miss.
Oh yeah, my flirt attempt? She laughed at whatever I said and then told me I was "a riot." *sigh* always the Jerry Lewis, never the Brad Pitt. *groan* now that I cut my hair shorter, I even look like Lewis' picture on his IMDB listing. "Hey Layyyydies!" Maybe I should move to France. He's considered le hott-ness there, no?
Thank God for The Walkmen's Bows&Arrows. The song "The Rat:" best. song. ever.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Apparently, I am viewed often in Middle USA, Westside USA, and Singapore area (I'm sure this is coming across like Matt Dillion's "we're huge in Belgium" but, anyway). Hello to whomever you are.
My sleep cycle is suddenly completely messed up. As you can see, it is around 2:00 a.m. now. This would be fine if, say, I had a social life or had something productive going on. But, no, I am just zoning out on the TV, getting annoyed at Lilly (whine-meow, whine-meow), and clicking around on the 'net. The results of which will be me sleeping in way too late tomorrow and repeating the same old pattern (am off again, only got 30 hours this week, please send money). I need to spend my days getting a new job, but I can't think anymore. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I don't want to get another job that's just another job. I need to figure out what actually interests me. This "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up" is fine when you're 18 or 25 or so, but 33?
Damn, dude, get it together!
I sent in my October Rent check on September 30th. I haven't heard back from my landlord either way, so I am assuming the month-to-month agreement he mentioned to myself and my neighbor is holding true.
To briefly explain: building is being sold, current landlord "doesn't know who the new owners are," building sale keeps getting delayed (supposed to close mid-July, then September 28th), current landlord says month-to-month okay--then, tells me to hold rent. (Screw that! No rent means new or current landlord can kick me out with 15 days notice or some crap.) Neighbor and I just went ahead and sent in October Rent and hoped for the best.
Wanted: new apartment, new job, a girlfriend.
At the very least, I need to hold on to this Part time Sales Associate position at Coffin&Betrayal long enough to get/not get the Mailroom Assistant position at Corporate I applied for a week ago. And guess what? I have no idea if my Transfer/application for the job even got faxed up to HQ because F is to do it; and, we know how dependable she is. She said she would recommend me, inform the higher-ups that I can start immediately, and fax the application that day (September 30th?). Um-hmm. Okay, sure, I totally believe you, right? In the 4 minutes this conversation took place, she hiked up her pants and tucked in her shirt like six times. What the Hell does that body language supposed to tell me? Luckily, she didn't have That Look on her face. When she's lying or really uncomfortable with the bad news she has to tell you, she gets this weird look on her face: slight flushing of cheeks near the nose, and this wide-eyed stare straight in your eyes look.
The fact I have to depend on this women for a recommendation frustrates and saddens me.
Okay, must go to bed--Tony Danza's late night talk show is on (He has a late night talk show?!!?!?), a good sign that it's time to go to bed. Good night.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Ended the day playing Madden NFL 2003 against D.H. It was a grueling defensive battle on the Gridiron with many a turnover and barely-made-it First Downs, punctuated with numerous "Oh shits." End result: His Steelers 6 at my Raiders 7.
Good game. Good times.
Of course, in reality, this is the best team in the nation. (Just to let you know.)
Saturday, October 02, 2004
Oh, wow, that My Chemical Romance song "I'm not okay (I promise)" was pretty freaking intense, whoa!
Alright, I'm going to bed. I want to get up early to drink some coffee, do the dishes and otherwise be normal for a bit before I head over to M.C.'s place for some Playstation2 and Xbox action. Das right, punk, I'm in my thirties and still playing the video games. I like the Splinter Cell. And the NCAA Football and the Madden Football Never said I play well, but me like-y dem.
I think M.C. and D.H. like to play some SSX Snowboarding game, which not only do I suck at, but I get a little bored playing after like twenty minutes. Bonus points for tricky-styley this and thats with the wacky psychedelic colors in the background and all, sorry--yawn.
Okay, off to bed, some lame Rap song just came on MTV2. Signing off, yo! Keepitreal, yo! (hoo-boy, I am whiter than Elmer's Glue).
Friday, October 01, 2004
I am going to have to depend on Google and this guy for all my Ellis information. And, so far, Notanexit is a great place to check out. I am impressed with the layout, consistency of new information, the fact a "mole" sends him emails about Ellis' new book (possibly/probably entitled Lunar Park), and the newly installed discussion board. It's always nice to find people with a similar interest.
"The better you look, the more you'll see."--Victor Ward.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. sitting here, i'm a loaded gun waiting to go off. i've got nothing to do but shoot my mouth off. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. you know i'm gonna go out. get something for my head. if i keep on doing this, i'm gonna end up dead. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. i know the world's got problems. i've got problems of my own. not the kind that can't be solved with an atom bomb. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for.
The always explosively expressive and entertaining Black Flag (via Lyricstime and Plyrics)
Sadly, my life is more TV Party or Six Pack than Slip It In *sigh.*
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Why are you laughing? Why do you keep saying, "good luck, sucker"?
I don't need this abuse, man, I really don't.
Stop laughing, please.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
"Hi, I'm here to see L.E. for a 1 o'clock."
One receptionist glances uneasily at the other, then: "L.E. isn't coming in today."
"That's cool, I'll see you on the 11th."
Buzz-kill. Sort of.
Oh well, it gave me time to go to CarX and get a new muffler and oil change. $271.00 down the tube, but at least the tube drives a lot quieter.
Gilmore Girls lingo: "wink-winkers"= free stuff you get from a friend at their job. Hee hee. Okay, Rory's back.
This probably won't take too long. Nothing has changed between time. Still stressed the Hell out about apartment/job/life/money/loneliness. I have been in a little better mood, still shitty mind you, but better. I think it's because I had an event or something to look forward to. It's been a while since I had something positive upcoming. Let's hope this doesn't turn out like my past experiences: get excited about "something," that "something" happens, and there is just either a minor let-down or a major disappointment.
Another reason I may be in a better mood is I applied for a lowly job at Corporate Headquarters. Lowly job probably pays crap, but it'll be more crap than I make now + health benefits. AND I won't have to work with evil F-Boss anymore. Wish me luck, eh?
Okay, I need to get ready for my appointment; psych myself up to leave the apartment.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Let's sum up this Year of Our Lord 2004, shall we?
- Stopped smoking April 26th, 2003...effectively plummets me further into already suffering depression and anxiety...but I suppose that whole able to breath, taste food, and live longer stuff should cheer me up.
- Began to really avoid friends. Agoraphobic in my vaguely windowless apartment.
- Apartment got burglarized.
- One of my plants died.
- Got demoted at work (HUGE pay cut).
- Lost my Health Insurance.
- Building got sold. I might be on month-to-month basis, or I might be out on my ass in a week or so.
- A mouse in the house. Lilly (my kitty) caught it, then lost it. If she catches it again, I'll probably wake up tomorrow with it being offered to me. Bloody. In my face. In bed.
Tomorrow, after cleaning bloody mouse hair off my face and pillow, I am to meet with someone here. This will be my first scheduled appointment. Last time (last Monday) wasn't scheduled, it just happened. I woke up after all these years of depression and suicidal thoughts (nothing truly planned, just fantasies "ah, wouldn't it be lovely to end this annoying pain?") with all this apartment/job/helplessness/anger/sadness/anxiety/all-around shit, and...started bawling. Big heaving sobs. I didn't think it would stop. I called my Dad in Ohio, continuing to blubber. He made me promise to finally call someone for help.
Luckily, about four days earlier, I had asked my friend (who works here) for his doctors information. I think I knew the bottom was near. So, I called this Dr. ____ and they referred me to C4 who asked me to come in: "Ask for a Crisis worker." Hopefully, tomorrow will be the beginning of the end. Or maybe the beginning.
Fingers crossed...we'll see.
The company in general is probably fine, more people I've met are pretty cool, my co-workers and others; but this manager and the assistant store manager who (THANK GOD) got promoted out of our store are just insensitive, patronizing, and, luckily, see through in there intents and lies. You may not be able to do anything about it (like the time I asked her why none of my Overtime was showing up on my checks), but it is at least nice to now when she's lying to you.
(the O.T. wasn't showing up because she erased it from our time card worksheets before faxing them to Corporate...Bitch) And, of course, I chose the wrong battle. I took issue up with HR/Audit, got my O.T. paid in retro, and a few months later found myself demoted.
Needless to say: I am disgruntled and looking for a new job. Email me with opportunities!
Shit! Gonna be late for work. Later.