Let's sum up this Year of Our Lord 2004, shall we?
- Stopped smoking April 26th, 2003...effectively plummets me further into already suffering depression and anxiety...but I suppose that whole able to breath, taste food, and live longer stuff should cheer me up.
- Began to really avoid friends. Agoraphobic in my vaguely windowless apartment.
- Apartment got burglarized.
- One of my plants died.
- Got demoted at work (HUGE pay cut).
- Lost my Health Insurance.
- Building got sold. I might be on month-to-month basis, or I might be out on my ass in a week or so.
- A mouse in the house. Lilly (my kitty) caught it, then lost it. If she catches it again, I'll probably wake up tomorrow with it being offered to me. Bloody. In my face. In bed.
Tomorrow, after cleaning bloody mouse hair off my face and pillow, I am to meet with someone here. This will be my first scheduled appointment. Last time (last Monday) wasn't scheduled, it just happened. I woke up after all these years of depression and suicidal thoughts (nothing truly planned, just fantasies "ah, wouldn't it be lovely to end this annoying pain?") with all this apartment/job/helplessness/anger/sadness/anxiety/all-around shit, and...started bawling. Big heaving sobs. I didn't think it would stop. I called my Dad in Ohio, continuing to blubber. He made me promise to finally call someone for help.
Luckily, about four days earlier, I had asked my friend (who works here) for his doctors information. I think I knew the bottom was near. So, I called this Dr. ____ and they referred me to C4 who asked me to come in: "Ask for a Crisis worker." Hopefully, tomorrow will be the beginning of the end. Or maybe the beginning.
Fingers crossed...we'll see.
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