Tuesday, June 14, 2005

No entry (to speak of) tonight

My Stomach, Heart, and Mind ache tonight. My chest burns and clenches tight. Fucking hives. Pain and Confusion. Frustration. Lilly's never seen me cry before; so, she stares at me with Wide Green Eyes from the floor. I've slipped back to October 2004. One little trigger, and It's all been for Nothing???

Anger at Everything and Nothing. Only heard part of the story.
I feel I've already lost. I never had a chance. My own fault, I never learned to fight.
This Absurd Romantic Comedy is on a continuous loop.
My own Rules Of Attraction only without the fun. I'd be Mary, if I were a character from the book, only not as Romantic and Brave. Always writing "letters." Always in the background, a heartbeat from the action. Maybe I should put my candles and rings on the rim of the tub. Maybe it's time to turn on the water.

I fear that against all my hopes and dreams, when the Triangle breaks, a "V" will float above an "I" on the floor once again. I am always I.


"I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do...."


No man is an Island, but I am a Peninsula; and, ever so thinly connected. And the black thick water rubs the shore again and again and again under my cloudy moonless night.


There is Nothing on TV. All my music sounds annoying. I hate my furniture. Lilly is loud. The apartment is a mess. I tore it up to rearrange it Monday morning, and got called in early to work. I forgot the Plan.


I'm off the Path again. The forest around me is getting dark again. And the trees are becoming more and more dense. Their bark is starting to cut my face and arms and hands. I'm off the Path again. Animals turn their faces away. Even those that don't, can't see me. Even as I walk, pulling apart branches and pushing aside brambles, I am becoming Invisible and Silent. Somedays I don't even see me. My words make no Sound. Garbled and Meaningless, they slip out of my mouth and fall to the muddy ground. I can't breath in enough air to call out for help. I am choking on leaves and webs, there is No One there. The moon sits behind the clouds with another star.


I listened to Suicidal Tendencies Join the Army as loud as my two unblown car speakers could handle on the way home today, weaving in and out of traffic as fast as possible. Golf Road, McCormick, Howard--could not roll under my tires fast enough. I didn't know if I needed to run away from something or toward something. Nothing Here, Nothing There.
Tears on Howard for the second time.

I hit Every Red Light, every time.

I wanted to hit someone, to send a fist into the face of Someone I Didn't Know (again). I wanted/needed the shock of contact of my skin and bone hitting Something Tangible. Something Outside Myself. I'm tired of being the Bruised One. Of coming in Second Place with Others and, especially, with Myself. I wanted to hurt someone, anyone as much as I hurt now. But I knew I wouldn't, there won't be anyone there. And I'd feel terrible and guilty afterwards. I hate hurting others. Much more pleasure in hurting me.

And then I just wanted to hold someone. Close on a couch. My nose burrowed in their hair. Just for a while. Until I could breath again. Until I found The Path for us.

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