Muggy air. I walk past The Ho. The neighborhood is silent, but for the swish of cars passing in the rain covered street. And I walk into The Lamp Post.
M.C. sits at the bar between a firefighter and a Chi-caw-go-ian-looking Blonde, saving me a barstool. The Softball Boys (fucking Au Jus) gather around the end of the bar, screaming along to The Boss and pounding the bar. Their shouts and howls are annoying. They're taunting James' team or the team. James is drinking a pint of God-knows-what, later moving down the bar away from the Frat-boy racket. Jackie smiles, dimple teasing my eye.
"A Jameson on the Rocks?" she asks, and I ask for a Heineken, and I feel bad when she snaps her fingers, "shoot! I thought I had it."
She doesn't hear me change my order, and bends over to pull a beer from the cooler. "3 bucks." And that smile again, one eye hidden behind Hippy blonde hair.
"You're right, man, she's smoking." M.C. smiles and sips a whiskey and coke, short glass, natch. I watch the denim skirt move from one end of the bar to the other.
"That drunk fucker is a cop. Serve and protect."
"You come here because you like this place?"
"It reminds me of hometown bars, and I can walk, and Jackie charges me a dollar less than James."
"Are you staring at those milky, motherly breasts?"
"You editing your response or processing?"
"Why do guys like you love Apocalypse Now?"
"What the fuck you mean 'guys like me'?!?"
"You know: Hunter S. Thompson, Dead Kennedys, The Wall, Anti-authority...you know...there has to be a scene for you."
"I could probably be classified as a Hipster Snob, but there is no classification for you."
"Wouldn't 'Brain the Sack' be more appropriate than 'Sacking the Brain'?"
"Well, they try to put it up as close to your head/brain as they can."
"So I said, '....and then I fucked a goat' and they got all quiet, no one laughed, so I followed with, 'uh-oh, one of you fucks goats?' and they still got all quiet. I mean come on, if you don't find that funny, you're dead."
"Born in the U.S.A. is actually a very critical view about America, didn't some Republican fucker use this as their presidential campaign song?"
"Just because no one hears the lyrics, just the chorus."
"Are we square, did I pay you?"
"I bet you have two white lighters in your pocket." Thief!
"You can pick any Nationality in the world and accuse them of being heavy drinkers."
"Irish: Guinness and whiskey."
"Hispanic/Latin: tequila, beer."
"Yeah, but what about Muslims and Jews?"
"Those are religions."
"Oh, yeah, my bad."
"I hate honkies; they are so loud!"
"But what about the people in my neighborhood."
"That's just ghetto. These guys are Honkies, they're the fucking Mainstream."
"I come here because it makes me feel better about myself ha ha ha."
"I stand out as different here."
"That's why Jackie smiles at you."
"Nah, that's the smile she uses to get bigger tips."
"Her writing is like a sixteen year old's diary."
"That's one point of having a blog."
"Man, whatever, I wanted to go off on her, but didn't."
"Mine's the lighter with scratches on the bottom."
There are 3 lighters on the bar.
"Wait, your dad has problems, too? I didn't know that. Well, that makes you a bigger asshole!"
"You're not like either of your parents when I met them, and where were you? Doing laundry?"
"You should get a job where I work; it'd be good for you. If you think you're crazy now, what until you get a load of these guys: they're crazy."
"Au Jus guy dances like an ape."
"If I got on the bar and started dancing would you ever come back here again?"
"Yeah, but not with you."
"That's a tradition here. If we get offered a plastic cup, we are soooo in."
"We didn't get a cup."
"All men look at women. They still love their girlfriends and wives, but they still look at other women; and, any one of them that tells you different are liars."
"And they probably got a secret porn stash."
"She just doesn't know what she wants."
"That's what my mom said."
"I'm just saying."
"So this Dog guy is really fat. I don't think he could even wear jeans, just sweat pants. And I'm sitting at the After-Hours, drinking cups from the Kegorator, and he's sitting across from Pandora, Darcy, and me. And I look down at his cut-off sweat pant shorts. And there's two holes in his crotch. And one of his balls is poking out of each of the holes right at the 3 of us. And I don't know whether I should tell Pandora and Darcy."
"Yeah, so he turns to yell to someone to get him another beer from the Kegorator, and I nudge them and point and they scream and we have to leave."
"Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum?"
"Gemini is too obvious."
"Deuces is too obvious."
"The Orbs? Cross-eyed Jack? No, you'd have to twist them. Ouch."
"I don't want to go to work tomorrow."
"Me neither, but at least The Croatian Gyration Sensation is working, she's fun."
"Okay, fuck Cuneens tomorrow, we're going to The Ho!"
"Oh God, see you later."
I follow behind a guy checking a row of cars on Winchester, trying to find an unlocked one. He leans against a tree, and then bends over to "tie his shoes." Oh fuck, I think I'm going to get jumped. A hot black chick in a full on maroon jumpsuit, looking fine with long wave blondish-brown hair, walks out of the park onto the sidewalk ahead of me. Cool, a witness, so the dude backs off and crosses the street. I try to unlock the first gate to my complex, but the key won't turn. She's at the next gate, heading into the Complex.
"Watch out for the drunk," she says referring to the guy.
"Hold the gate, please," and I walk in behind her.
"Yeah, there's a skunk over there."
"Yeah, he stunk up my living room!" She laughs. "Have a good night."
"You too," she says and wiggle walks to her apartment.