What the Hell just happened?
I went to my Primary today. I enough meds to get me through until I see Dr. E. I started really open up at some point halfway through the meeting. Something about pointlessness, or about how I know what I need to do, but stop myself. Or something, I can't remember now.
And she apologizes for changing the subject. She needs to grab the nurse before she goes to lunch and get my meds. And she needed to discuss the change that's coming up. See, she graduates in June, so we'll soon stop seeing each other. She needs my address to find which clinic is in my new area, and if they have a waiting list. May 26th is our last meeting. We need start finishing up any unresolved issues or discuss my feelings on that. I think that's what we need to do, I sort of started to fade at that point.
I went numb.
This felt like a Break-up. I was getting Dumped again. I recognized that special sadness one feels after getting dumped. "I think we should see other people." Lump in throat, heavy chest, thoughts sluggish. It takes great effort to speak.
It hits me: I'm Crushing on my Primary. Text-fucking-book. I'm not in love, but, damn, I don't want to stop seeing her. She's hot, smart, funny, and close to my age.
I remember the first thing I thought when she first opened the door to the lobby and called my name: "Oh Crap. She's Hot." I can't talk to women if I'm attracted to them. "Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it." And here I am talking to one, sometimes accidentally flirting. Fucking typical. Wrong person, wrong place and/or wrong time.
I'm dazed all night at work. Memories of the last time I felt this way running through my mind. I spend the evening nodding, even more hollowly, at strangers who are all stressed out because we only sell 9 oz. Juice glasses, not 8 oz. Juice glasses.
Yes, I say, you can drink milk out of a Juice glass, it's okay, that's fine. I close my burning, wet eyes tight and try to breathe.