but (supposedly) you get what you need.
I got a roof over my head. Some food in my belly. Some booze for the soul. Some rags on my back.
But something is missing.
"You just want to have a crush on someone, "M. said a month ago or so, and maybe he's right. Maybe I just want the Rush of a Crush to get me through this long day called life. That giddy feeling that pushes you out of bed, smiling, even on the coldest of mornings.
I mentioned the unmentionable to my Primary S. at The Ghetto Clinic today.
That summer before my senior year. "I hope I didn't mess you up, " she said. And I laughed, "...of course you didn't, don't worry about it."
For years later, I think maybe the situation did. It might have set up a pattern of self-destruction, to always want what I can't have, forbidden to touch. I thought maybe I needed to go back for better closure: to finish this time, would finish it for good.
And then I could move on and start really Living Life.
Primary S. said, maybe you both needed that situation at that time. You said you helped each other get through things going on at that moment, so maybe that was all. That's what you're really looking for now: a Soulmate of sorts, discovered at that moment in your life. You started out as friends and moved on, then moved on. It ran its course.
Maybe that's what you need/want. You want more than sex, you want a True close friend, a confidant, a partner, a Real Soulmate. And it doesn't sound like The Mall is where you're going to find her.
Sometimes it takes a total stranger, outsider, to spin the situation into a healthy memory.
I want to sing Love is All* to my Sister Saviour* "one last late night/ before it's too late."--The Rapture.
*(opens Windows Media Player).