I just watched Sex and the City.
The theme centered around giving up "the ghost" of relationships past. Do you ever really let go? When is it time?
I'm thinking of M.R. tonight (12? years). And drinking Jameson (fuck the rocks). And, oddly, feel guilty about not thinking more about C.K. (but, I am... a little). Maybe more so about the feeling one has while in a relationship. You can't describe it, but there is a feeling that takes over you when you're in it. A strangely warm cloud envelopes you and everything around you; even during the rough patches.
Fucking Holidays and surprise visits at work. Sparks emotions you knew were always there, but had hidden deep down below. You can hide the shit, but it is there; always able to surface at a moments notice. Sparks and flames of nostalgia that cannont be quenched/squelched no matter how much amber liquid you douse upon the fire.
Mental napalm that burns everything it touches.
I'm listening to the only mix-tape a lover ever made for me. Someone thought of me enough to sit down and take the time to compile a grouping of music that said something to her to express to me what she felt about me:
- "I Go Crazy"-- Flesh For Lulu
- "Foolish Heart"--The Grateful Dead
- "Is This Love"--
- "Lovesong"--The Cure
- "Melt With You"-- Modern English
- "Now"-- Eddie Brickell and New Bohemians
- "In Your Eyes"-- Peter Gabriel
- "Can't Help Falling In Love With You"-- Lick The Tins (God, this version kills me. Every Time.
- "Say Hello 2 Heaven"-- Temple of the Dog
- "I Do"-- Eddie Brickell and New Bohemians.
Side two= Peter Gabriel's "Security"
I've decided: you never give up the ghost until you're dead. Sometimes I so wish I could go back in time and mend the wounds, do the right thing. But you can't; the stupid youthful mistake is done.
You can't take the bullet back; once it enters, the damage is forever done and it bleeds forever.
"Et tu Brute?" she said.
The deepest cut.