That's one of the many bits of advice my Grandpa J.E.S. I need to follow it a bit more often, for things to get better. I think in the back of my head, the love and advice of my Grandparents S. keep me moving ahead, even in the Gravest of Depressive Episodes. I know I never stood on the edge of the Lake and thought about jumping in; but, in the grips of The Blue-haired Demons, when I felt the only alternative was the Final Alternative, something inside kept me around.
Maybe a memory, maybe my own worked up mind tired itself and my body out enough to just go to sleep for 13 hours instead of The Big Sleep. Pills and thrills and daffodils. Maybe a part of me remembered how they used to talk to me, made me feel good about myself and that the world wasn't all evil. They liked me even as I hated me.
I hadn't planned on this post going quite this route, but I'll leave it.
* * *
Work was work: a bit of a bore. So much so that at one point, I slipped my wallet into my front pocket and claimed to have left it in the car. Just to go outside for five minutes in the sun for a cigarette. I stood in the shade by The Bagel and watched all these people walking around, running, pushing strollers, lugging bags into and out of stores. Isn't there a moment when people start buying two of everything because they've already bought everything? Do they really need to change things for the seasons?
I went back and looked as busy as one can look in a store with nearly no customers until S.R. showed up. Much better. Someone to joke around with and trade sexual innuendos with, to crack up with.
Scheduled until 5:30, I ended up staying a little past 6. Amy from corporate came in to pick up boxes for some web/catalogue photo shoot, and we ended up chatting about her job. It came about that her department hoped to hire a full time associate (if approved by the Higher Mucky-mucks). We chatted for a half an hour as I ignored the floorstocker Paki M.B. looking for a sales associate to help a customer. "Goooo awaaaaaaaay" I silently Jedi Mind-tricked her as Amy and I chatted about what the job entailed. To the other associates, I later found out, it appeared as though I was merely chatting her up (which crossed my mind, I mean was trying to do until and even after she mentioned the husband). I reality I was attempting to "network" my ass off (okay, and chat her up!). I think her and I built a great rapport, and at one point she looked Heavenward and said "I am sooo glad I came in here for boxes." I think a made a good impression and exuded the proper amount of interest/company love/enthusiasm/etc.
We traded information and hopefully will communicate more in the next few days. If the Full Time status isn't approved by the above, she thought they may want to hire out as a freelance gig. No benefits, but if I figured the numbers right, the pay in 5 hours would be the same as a full good day at present position plus a free lunch.
Hopes not up, but fingers crossed. Now where in the fuck did I put my Resume?!?!?!?!?!