Friday, September 23, 2005

Blank Space

Freezer-chilled Vodka (with Garlic stuffed olives. 3, natch)
Sex and the City on the TV.
A couple walk by, she's screaming crying "what do you think I lied about? I didn't lie! Fuck you! What're you gonna do? Hit me again? I didn't lie...!"
The wind blows through the trees. The wind cries Mary...Mary set her rings next to candles on the side of the tub. Mary killed herself in the bathtub. Sean never knew Mary loved him. The red water sat still.
A candle burns on the hard drive.
Lilly sits in the kitchen.

A blank space on Blogger staring at me, glaring at me.
There is something I want to say, but it eludes me.

Every time.

Words fail the squirming in my gut. That inherent need to speak. Something unspoken, unsettled, unfound, and unable to find The Path out. Under the ground, into my bare feet, through my body, out my fingertips, and onto the Electric Page. Beads fall.

Where is my Duende?

* * *
1996, on the El. I see a beautiful woman board the car. I comment about her. A.G. asks, "Why do you always go for unattainable women?"

Last week, M. makes a joke to the group, "yeah, Mac likes 'em young."

Go for the exotic, artsy, punk, black-haired women, but date The Girl Next Door.

The longer I'm in Chicago, the further away from the city I work.

My new Primary S. says, "you need to get out more and meet more people; you need people." Friday night, and I'm tired and stay in.

I want two grams of Mushrooms. I need a Vision Quest. I need to break the film clinging around my mind. The Old Wet Wool Grey Blanket wrapped around my brain. I need the walls to breath life into my eyes. I need the neurotransmitters to spark. Wide open, full throttle, break the dam holding back the life water. FURTHER! You're either on The Bus, or you're off The Bus. I need speakers in the trees and fireflies circling the moon.

"Dead at 35."
"You're only a hub for others."
"But they never penetrate the Inner You, just the Outer You."

This is what the mushrooms told you before, but you're older now; maybe things/you have changed with time. Has time eroded you or fed you? Are you More or Less you?

Blank Space.

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