In summary (according to Henry):

Gimme Gimme Gimme

gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. sitting here, i'm a loaded gun waiting to go off. i've got nothing to do but shoot my mouth off. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. you know i'm gonna go out. get something for my head. if i keep on doing this, i'm gonna end up dead. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for. i know the world's got problems. i've got problems of my own. not the kind that can't be solved with an atom bomb. gimme gimme gimme. i need some more. gimme gimme gimme. don't ask what for.

The always explosively expressive and entertaining Black Flag (via Lyricstime and Plyrics)

Sadly, my life is more TV Party or Six Pack than Slip It In *sigh.*

I need to find affordable housing

Can you help me find a HUGE studio, that allows a cat, is cheap as all get out ($550 or less), heat included, utilities included would be sweet, easy street parking or garage included, laundry room near apartment or washer/dryer included in unit, an outside deck, big southern window exposure, DSL ready, cool/nice neighbors (hott strippers or nymphos), reliable landlords not known for neglect or stealing security deposits and keep everything in working clean order, and in one of these nice neighborhoods.

Why are you laughing? Why do you keep saying, "good luck, sucker"?
I don't need this abuse, man, I really don't.

Stop laughing, please.

When a door closes, a window opens.

So I make it to the C4 office ten minutes early. It is a beautiful day, all sunny with a little breeze. Parking space only half a block away. By God, there is nearly a spring in my step as I head past the park and into the office. No smelly people in the office (except the guy ahead of me in line who reeeeeeeeeks of pot). My turn, I'm up.

"Hi, I'm here to see L.E. for a 1 o'clock."

One receptionist glances uneasily at the other, then: "L.E. isn't coming in today."

"That's cool, I'll see you on the 11th."

Buzz-kill. Sort of.

Oh well, it gave me time to go to CarX and get a new muffler and oil change. $271.00 down the tube, but at least the tube drives a lot quieter.

Gilmore Girls lingo: "wink-winkers"= free stuff you get from a friend at their job. Hee hee. Okay, Rory's back.

Today is the day

So this is Step One. In an hour, I shall be sitting in an office, "checking in." Hopefully L.E. (the crisis worker I talked to last time) will give me some information. My next scheduled appointment, an actual "intake" meeting, isn't until October 11, but L.E. wanted me to see him today to "check in" (a.k.a. make sure I didn't off myself in the long time between last time and the 11th).

This probably won't take too long. Nothing has changed between time. Still stressed the Hell out about apartment/job/life/money/loneliness. I have been in a little better mood, still shitty mind you, but better. I think it's because I had an event or something to look forward to. It's been a while since I had something positive upcoming. Let's hope this doesn't turn out like my past experiences: get excited about "something," that "something" happens, and there is just either a minor let-down or a major disappointment.

Another reason I may be in a better mood is I applied for a lowly job at Corporate Headquarters. Lowly job probably pays crap, but it'll be more crap than I make now + health benefits. AND I won't have to work with evil F-Boss anymore. Wish me luck, eh?

Okay, I need to get ready for my appointment; psych myself up to leave the apartment.

Should have seen that coming...

And of course on the way to work my muffler starts to die. A slow and loud death, reeking of carbon in the cabin. And of course I won't be able to do anything about it for a couple of days. And of course when I do, it'll put the serious hurt on me financially. Ah, sweet crap icing on the poopcake.

Let's sum up this Year of Our Lord 2004, shall we?

• Stopped smoking April 26th, 2003...effectively plummets me further into already suffering depression and anxiety...but I suppose that whole able to breath, taste food, and live longer stuff should cheer me up.
• Began to really avoid friends. Agoraphobic in my vaguely windowless apartment.
• Apartment got burglarized.
• One of my plants died.
• Got demoted at work (HUGE pay cut).
• Lost my Health Insurance.
• Building got sold. I might be on month-to-month basis, or I might be out on my ass in a week or so.
• A mouse in the house. Lilly (my kitty) caught it, then lost it. If she catches it again, I'll probably wake up tomorrow with it being offered to me. Bloody. In my face. In bed.

Tomorrow, after cleaning bloody mouse hair off my face and pillow, I am to meet with someone here. This will be my first scheduled appointment. Last time (last Monday) wasn't scheduled, it just happened. I woke up after all these years of depression and suicidal thoughts (nothing truly planned, just fantasies "ah, wouldn't it be lovely to end this annoying pain?") with all this apartment/job/helplessness/anger/sadness/anxiety/all-around shit, and...started bawling. Big heaving sobs. I didn't think it would stop. I called my Dad in Ohio, continuing to blubber. He made me promise to finally call someone for help.

Luckily, about four days earlier, I had asked my friend (who works here) for his doctors information. I think I knew the bottom was near. So, I called this Dr. ____ and they referred me to C4 who asked me to come in: "Ask for a Crisis worker." Hopefully, tomorrow will be the beginning of the end. Or maybe the beginning.

Fingers crossed...we'll see.

Odd timing

So I check my Yahoo Fantasy Football Team (lost this week...aaargh), then pop over to My Yahoo as I am thinking of my boss...and lookey here what Yahoo's Word of the Day is.

Something is in the air.

Damn, gonna be late.

*Sigh*

Another Monday, another day underemployed and underpaid at a company that is all "we're a family, we're committed to you" unless you work for my boss...F...that evil, backstabbing, thieving, self-serving, two-faced, pear-shaped, bitter, barren, sorority-girl giggling, and 35 other adjectives I am either too tired or too angry to think up right now (more later I am sure)...asshole.

The company in general is probably fine, more people I've met are pretty cool, my co-workers and others; but this manager and the assistant store manager who (THANK GOD) got promoted out of our store are just insensitive, patronizing, and, luckily, see through in there intents and lies. You may not be able to do anything about it (like the time I asked her why none of my Overtime was showing up on my checks), but it is at least nice to now when she's lying to you.

(the O.T. wasn't showing up because she erased it from our time card worksheets before faxing them to Corporate...Bitch) And, of course, I chose the wrong battle. I took issue up with HR/Audit, got my O.T. paid in retro, and a few months later found myself demoted.

Needless to say: I am disgruntled and looking for a new job. Email me with opportunities!

Shit! Gonna be late for work. Later.

It's got a beat I can dance to (or: Put my tail between my legs)

So creepy, yet such a sweet sounding song...I don't know who did this, or how I stumbled upon it; though, I am glad I did.

It's 2:05 a.m: Do you know what you're doing?

This could get ugly. This could go nowhere. And those would be better places than where I am now.