As you may have read, when Biggie J. isn't on one of his thousand weeks of vacation, I have a little free time The Bank. I use these periods during the day, sitting in The Gopher Hole surrounded by the dust and garbage, as productively as possible: surf the net. Mainly, I check Chicagoist, Gapersblock, and Gawker approximately 13 times throughout the day to see what cool things are going on in both Chicago and New York that I will plan on but never attend.
Because I'm a Drunken Recluse like that, that's how I roll (the bottles)....bitches!
During these vain attempts at keeping boredom beyond the gates and trying to grasp the world of New York Media type stuff, I have accidentally become obsessed. I created username (Mycubehas3sides, natch) within the Gawker Comment Community of Celebrity Backstabbers and Snark-poo Flingers. Now, you may think, "well, that's nice, Mac, comment away!"
Alas, each commenter must "audition" to become one of the minority, to become accepted within these hallowed ranks of New Yorkers and Know-it-alls. To date, I have lain timidly upon the black leather audition couch, haltingly tossing small comments into the abyss without publication. Like a milk-fed Midwestern farmer's boy, alone in The Big City for the first time, I have taken their non-publishing silence, their non-acceptance of my comments and slogan suggestions in silent grief. I have gripped the Rope of Hope in quiet desperation as the Audition Judges ram me from behind without a reach-around, even the one born in Chicagoland nary a few blocks north of where I live now!
Mycubehas3sides is pulling out all the stops! This new bitch-on-wheels is slipping on a Gucci Simple Black Dress with the slit up the side and the front cut down low, slinging my Chanel purse on my shoulder, polishing my Prada shoes, and bathing in motherfucking Whore Pheromones! I'm going in hard, cutting comments until blood splashes on my 10 inch stiletto heels!***
And when those Gawkers recognize, even one comment from me, I will leap upon the bed naked and drunk upon the wine of success and DANCE. That's right, I, Mac of Two Left Legs, will dance and wank and dance and wank until the sweat seeps from every pore and showers off my naked skin in a flurry of stink and moist jubilation and at the climax I will look down and see my own Empire State Building spew forth white excitement and in this creamy white fountain....I will see Peace!
Wish me luck?
***(many of the writers are gay, so I'm might work an "angry, scorned queen angle". This will not work)